"Never get married while you're going to college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake."

"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you."

"There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?"

"Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people."

"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."

"No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish."

"Whenever a separation is made between liberty and justice, neither, in my opinion, is safe."

"For the villainy of the world is great, and a man has to run his legs off to keep them from being stolen out fom underneath him."

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them."

"Of all the unbearable nuisances, the ignoramus that has travelled is the worst."

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures he leadeth me beside the still waters."

"The President can bomb anybody he likes."